Old people are thinking this movie is not a secret…

But really old people are not reading my blog they find my crass language and condescending tone to be way to nice compared to how their home health care workers treat them. Seriously though old people a message from me to you save us some Social Security you greedy fucks.

Okay so the movie for today is an oldie but goodie, all of you film majors have seen it, but since you are unemployed now you have time to watch it again. Network was made in 1976, but it could very easily be a look inside of today’s corporate driven media conglomerates more interested in revenue and ratings then delivering unbiased news. The whole concept of agenda driven journalism is as old as the printing press and I am pretty sure there are historians who would argue that cave drawings had a secret agenda back in the day.

Network pants the whole system though. Just exposes the media for the small dicked over compensating bunch of whores they are. You don’t want to believe that this could be real, watch Network and then watch an hour of Fox News and you tell me. The movie itself is excellent, well acted funny, touching, and thoughtful. Network won a bunch of Oscars for good reason it was fucking good and it is on Netflix Streaming. I know that a movie from 1976 will test your ability to cope with today’s mindless dribble, watch it anyway, don’t suck.  

And now for something completely different…

At this point space monkeys you know that I have a media obsession and it goes well beyond just movies, I am a musicaholic and could devote a whole other blog to that junk, but let’s face it the next music blog that pops up might actually cause the universe to turn in on itself and for the actual rapture to occur, or not.

Image from hayden-harnett blog

Point being I don’t have a ton of outlets for this type of thing and some of you who are reading this might actually think I have fallen and hit my head. I want all of you, my 1 or 2 devoted (see stalkers, hello stalkers) readers, to help out The Heavy Pets. I am posting a video that was taken and distributed by a F.O.T.S. (friend of the stream) Cheesehead Productions featuring American Idol contestant Brett Loewenstern. Please take it post it to your Facebook, retweet it on Twitter, do whatever the fuck it is you do on LinkedIn, and if you are on Friendster…get the fuck off my blog.

Now I know that most of you are thinking to yourself wait, this guy hates The Heavy Pets, and that is not entirely true, why are you posting about them in your movie blog? Well it is like Oceans 11 (link to the streaming version of the original starring Frank Sinatra) a great cast, each individually is worth watching and their talent is obvious, a good story and a lot of fun but, finally, in my mind just not great. Still you go see the other movies and enjoy it for what it is. The other thing is all of these guys I am friendly with, really a great bunch of guys and this is a good opportunity for them to gain national exposure and further their careers. And I always want to see my friends succeed. I hope this blog helps, this is a local South Florida band they need your support and even if you are not a huge fan let’s help some local boys do good. Oh and if you like the video you can find tons more here at F.O.T.S. Cheesehead Productions YouTube Channel . 

Worth the wait...

Not really, but hey shit happens you get what you pay for in this world. What I am saying is sorry about not posting yesterday I will try to not make a habit of it. Onto the good stuff...

Let’s face it you’re a big dork. No need to argue you are reading a blog about movies streaming on Netflix, that means dork. So in an attempt to help you embrace your inner, and in most cases not so inner, dorkdom we present you one of the dorkiest, funniest, and most endearing stories you will find on Netflix Streaming, Dr. Horrible’s Sing Along Blog.

First thing first, Neil Patrick Harris or NPH is the man. Sure he loves the cock, but the ladies love him and we love the ladies, hello ladies, so by the transitive property of NPH is awesome, we love NPH. Oh and he stars as the titled Dr. Horrible.

Nathan Fillion and Felicia Day round out the small but hysterical cast of this love story told in song. That’s right it’s a musical and in the tradition of the great musicals of the past like South Park the Movie, it fucking ruled.

Okay so nobody has seen about this or heard about this other then the uber-geeks that make up the Joss Whedon fanboy love club. Whedon who has a loyal following of committed fans, for whom has rarely failed to deliver. While he may not have the broad recognition that his work deserves he continues to be a favorite of critics and fans alike. This little ditty just proves his versatility since he is best known first for Buffy the Vampire Slayer and then for his Space Cowboy meets Smokey and the Bandit show Firefly and the accompanying movie Serenity, both starring the ubiquitous Fillion as the tall smug handsome guy who always get s the girl. I fucking hate that guy. But you will love Dr. Horrible’s Sing Along Blog so watch it already. 

Skelator Demands you Watch this Movie…

Did you ever want to have sex with a translucent skinned 50 year old lady who looks likes she spent the last 20 years turning tricks on the corner and using the money for her next meth fix? No? Really are you sure? I mean sure she looks like a zombie, but Madonna is so rich she can afford to buy a child in every country her decomposing corpse finds itself in. Before setting the tone for the human version of the baby monster, that has become Angelina Jolie and her never-ending need to eat the souls of children from around world, Madonna married some strange English filmmaker name Guy Ritchie. And using her succubus skills she has managed to suck the youth from his soul. I can’t prove any of this of course, all I can do it hypothesize how someone who could write and direct something as awesome as Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels and then in his most recent effort basically shit himself with awesome source material and one of the better actors on the planet in the Robert Downey Jr. led, Sherlock Holmes.

Seriously, how did this suck?

Not that anybody needs to tell you to avoid Sherlock Holmes it has much the same appeal as a rotting corpse or Madonna naked. This fact though means that the casual amongst you will not find their way back in the director’s previous work to find out what he did right in order to get the job on such a big budget turd like Sherlock Holmes. Well you might assume that good decision was marrying Madonna, but how can marrying the lead design doll from a Day of the Dead movie further your career? Well most studio heads do fear that Madonna could move on from eating children’s brains onto them next, let’s face it most studio heads think like children anyway.

Artist Rendering of Madonna. 

Actually Ritchie is still living off the good will of Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels and Snatch, both of which he at least wrote before meeting his future soul sucker, I mean Madonna.

Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels which is on Netflix Streaming was awesome in every conceivable way, the fact that it is easier to watch with the subtitles on even though it is English, just makes it that much more fun. It is funny, smart, and exciting filled with memorable characters and scenes and is better than that other movie you have not seen and are considering, yes I am sure. 

Pixar Rules…

Because I said so, that is why, should be good enough by now. So now it is time for something the kiddies can watch. Why, because the children are our future, and they should not be forced to watch another episode of the Wiggles or Barney or whatever the fuck silly shit it is kids watch these days.

What does this have to do with Pixar? Brad Bird. Brad Bird was the guy who directed The Incredibles and Ratatouille and was the leader of the development team for UP, for that fancy pants Disney subsidiary Pixar.

Before Brad Bird had access to all the latest and greatest in digital animation tools, he was forced to do animation the old fashioned way. If you look on Netflix Streaming you will find The Iron Giant. In The Iron Giant, Bird tells a beautiful story to go along with effective and warm animation that had more in common with the cartoons I watched on Saturday morning growing up then any of the stylized offerings on Cartoon Network.

Here is the deal, if you have kids they will love it, if you don’t have kids you will love it, if you get high you will find it to be the greatest movie ever made, and if you are drunk you will probably cry, fucking sloppy drunk.   

Run Like Hell…

Quick what’s the shortest distance between two points? YES! It is a straight line here’s a cookie.

This is not the movie you are looking for...

Did you see that chase scene in Casino Royal that went from a snake pit up a crane and through an embassy? Did you think that they should make a whole movie out of that? Good I am glad we agree, except for the part where they already did that shit.

Before I tell you just how awesome District B13 is let me show you how awesome Parkour is:

That is fucking crazy, I get base jumping you have a fucking parachute, these guys are insane. So is District B13…

This is the Movie you are looking for...

Basic plot; there is a bomb in a Paris slum. Supercop must team up with the good hearted criminal to save the day. Really it could have been anything I am pretty sure the pitch to the studio must have sounded something like this…FUCKING PARKOUR and Luc Besson wrote the story. Europa did the only sensible thing and made the movie even giving it a limited U.S. theatrical release through Magnolia. So even the studio knew this movie was fucking badass and usually movie studios need a compass and map to find their ass with both hands. This is an action lover’s wet dream and even the ladies, hey ladies, will enjoy the majestic chase scenes staring David Belle one of the founders of Parkour. As usual you can find this on Netflix streaming, I promise it is better than whatever else it was you are going to watch. Remember the mantra, don’t suck. Here is your chance to suck less. 

Mmmmm Cocaine..

Good morning kiddies are you ready for your daily dose of fuck you? No? Fuck you anyway. Here is the reason why, because you have heard about Cocaine Cowboys and still not seen it. This is fucking crazy talk, because you can go right now and stream that shit on Netflix.

This movie changed how Hollywood was able to approach Pablo Escobar as a movie character. Billy Corben, the director, discovered early on that this guy was worse then a bond villain in real life. I mean just a nasty motherfucker who would kill you just as soon as have coffee with you and neither would change his mood. If he were a character in a movie you would not believe he was real because he was too well rounded as a villain.

Quick note about me, I grew up in Miami, my father was a member of both The Cricket Club and The Playboy Club, and there were pictures in the movie with men I called Uncle this or that, it was fucking awesome and horrifying, much like the movie. Cocaine Cowboys was as engrossing as any fictional drug dealer drama made, which made it horrifying for me when I realized that my father had been in contact with one of the most violent organizations to that point in history. My family was lucky and got out unscathed, a lot of my friends cannot say the same, their fathers who were V.P. of various small banks were all of a sudden federal criminals serving time.

Basically see Cocaine Cowboys because it fucking rules, the fact that you might understand how Miami became the cesspool of corruption it is, bonus. What I am saying is this just because you might actually learn something from a movie does not make it boring, stop acting stupid, watch this movie learn about something cool and have a good time.

 

Achtung Baby...

Those sneaky fucking Krauts first they perpetuate the Holocaust then they have the nerve to make a good movie about it. The problem of course being, it’s in German.

Listen folks, you all are not idiots otherwise you would have given up after perpetuate and would not still be reading. If you can read this you can read subtitles. So I don’t want any fucking crying about subtitles, movies are good in other languages too, deal with it. This one is also a nod to what I can only assume is a horde of fine ladies reading this blog, ladies this is not a movie with explosions or about sex it is simply a very good drama and should be right up your ally, unless you like explosions and sex then call me.

Europa Europa is a great movie about a young Jewish boy trying to survive the Holocaust and WWII from inside of Germany. No easy feat as you may imagine. You are going to love this movie, you will probably cry, I know this because I cried and I don’t cry. 

Only if you are bored...

My buddy, BC asked for boobies and while I am all for boobies I want to keep the NSFW visual content to a minimum. Ladies you may still feel free to send me photos of your boobies which I promise will be treated in the most delicate of manner, or if you prefer rough just add that to the email. Still I want to give the people what they want, so when I cannot produce boobies I can give you a funky story about a very special girl with a very special addition to her pussy, and we are not talking about vagazaling either. 

TEETH...GET IT TEETH!!!

Teeth was a whacked out movie, I mean fucking strange and uncomfortable, but it was that good kind of strange and uncomfortable, like when your creepy uncle lets you off his lap without grabbing your ass and drops a fiver on you. Just remember not even a condom is 100% effective against everything.  

Barebacking...

Looks like this is going to be my schedule for the upcoming weeks, should be able to drop off a post around this time in the A.M. M-F. If you want more than that, don’t and you won’t be disappointed.

Site news now vanquished, onto the goodies.

Have you seen the U.S. version of Skins? Or as I like to call it v.howdidwefuckthisup? It was awful, the acting was dreadful and everything about the show seemed to have the stink of over-stylized MTV corporate branding about it. Really just a grotesque and terrible reproduction of something that actually fucking ruled.

Now here is the thing about the original, BBC had no fucking clue what they had, obvious by the insane pacing of the first two seasons, BBC was forced to find a new cast to meet the demand of the fans of the show. BBC should have known better and let it alone, but those Brits are every bit as greedy as us Americans just with a snobbier accent. They put on two more seasons, which were bad, should have made me suspect of the U.S version, but fuck MTV.  

They were dealing with A+ source material, on Netflix Streaming Skins Series 1 and 2 are available , am I recommending you watch two whole series, no fuck me who the hell am I? What I do say is watch the first episode of the first season “Tony” if it does not send you down the dark path of sucking you into the rest of the episodes you are a fucking retard.

-faust

Do The Right Thing...

<Spike Says Review That Shit Yo'self>

Do The Right Thing was a great movie; it is on Netflix Streaming. If you have not seen it fix that shit. Now on to the real reason for my post...

It was mentioned to me that I may want to offer reviews of these movies, but why? Do you wan't something awesome or something less? Do you want greatness or run of the mill? If you want to watch these awesome movies and shows I am posting about and then talk about that shit, have the fuck at it. Dissect that nonsense like it is your job, extrapolate, and be hyperbolic. I appreciate the profane and subversive and welcome your worst replies. What a better review of a movie then the conversations that they create.

If you want me to review them, here is what I think about the movies I recommend, THEY FUCKING RULE...duh. I will include something interesting about the movie or show that is funny,<shaking head>, most likely relevant, and decidedly not a plot spoiler. Unless your a super genius, in which case I ask you, how in the hell have you not seen these already? 

First Post Epicness!!!

First post? Fucking-A right this is the first post. Does that mean I am going to be nice, no, fuck you, if you want nice go see what Netflix recommends. This is a place for good movies not what the studio demands be pushed.

So in the tradition of, HOLY SHIT HOW DID I NOT SEE THIS, here is the very first Netflix Streaming movie that if you have not seen will make you cringe. Old Boy.

YES, SCISSORS + TONGUE = EPIC

This is the movie that Hard Candy wishes it was; gritty, unflinching, and fucking horrifying. Enjoy folks.